{"product_id":"if-im-not-speeding-then-im-not-maximizing-shareholder-value","title":"If I'm Not Speeding, Then I'm Not Maximizing Shareholder Value","description":"\u003ch2 data-start=\"919\" data-end=\"985\"\u003eIf I’m Not Speeding, Then I’m Not Maximizing Shareholder Value\u003c\/h2\u003e \u003ch2 data-start=\"987\" data-end=\"1049\" class=\"\"\u003eWarning: This Vehicle Operates on Capitalism and Caffeine\u003c\/h2\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"1051\" data-end=\"1237\" class=\"\"\u003eYou ever slam the gas pedal just to shave 32 seconds off your commute? That’s not reckless driving—that’s a\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"1159\" data-end=\"1185\"\u003estrategic acceleration\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003ein the name of pure, uncut\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"1213\" data-end=\"1234\"\u003eshareholder value\u003c\/strong\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"1239\" data-end=\"1526\" class=\"\"\u003eIf your foot is heavy and your loyalty is to the boardroom, this 8.5\" x 2.5\" weatherproof\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"1329\" data-end=\"1347\"\u003ebumper sticker\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e(or magnet, if you're noncommittal like your Series A funding round) is for you. Loud, fast, and professionally printed, this decal is your personal mission statement in vinyl.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"1528\" data-end=\"1569\" class=\"\"\u003eYou're not speeding. You're optimizing.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003chr data-start=\"1571\" data-end=\"1574\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003ch2 data-start=\"1576\" data-end=\"1651\" class=\"\"\u003e🏎️ This Is What Late-Stage Capitalism Looks Like (and It’s Beautiful)\u003c\/h2\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"1653\" data-end=\"1816\" class=\"\"\u003eSome folks slap peace signs on their Prius. You slap\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"1706\" data-end=\"1727\"\u003eshareholder value\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eon your bumper and peel out of the parking lot like it’s Q4 and you’re behind on KPIs.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"1818\" data-end=\"2064\" class=\"\"\u003eThis\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"1823\" data-end=\"1841\"\u003ebumper sticker\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eisn’t just funny—it’s deadly accurate. It’s for the corporate animals, the remote workers on Adderall, the NFT bros who still drive a Civic, and anyone whose dashboard contains more fast food receipts than moral clarity.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"2066\" data-end=\"2130\" class=\"\"\u003eYou’re not just a driver. You’re a capital efficiency machine.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003chr data-start=\"2132\" data-end=\"2135\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003ch2 data-start=\"2137\" data-end=\"2183\" class=\"\"\u003e🛠️ Specs for the Road Warrior Capitalist\u003c\/h2\u003e \u003cul data-start=\"2185\" data-end=\"2684\"\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"2185\" data-end=\"2266\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"2187\" data-end=\"2266\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2187\" data-end=\"2196\"\u003eSize:\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e8.5\" x 2.5\" – aggressively visible, like a merger announcement leak\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"2267\" data-end=\"2338\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"2269\" data-end=\"2338\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2269\" data-end=\"2282\"\u003eMaterial:\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eCommercial-grade weatherproof vinyl – slaps and stays\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"2339\" data-end=\"2407\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"2341\" data-end=\"2407\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2341\" data-end=\"2352\"\u003eFinish:\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eSmooth semi-gloss – reflects sunlight and stock tips\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"2408\" data-end=\"2492\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"2410\" data-end=\"2492\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2410\" data-end=\"2430\"\u003eSticker Version:\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eSticks hard to glass, metal, laptops, and hostile takeovers\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"2493\" data-end=\"2592\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"2495\" data-end=\"2592\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2495\" data-end=\"2523\"\u003eMagnet Version (20 mil):\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eRemovable, repositionable, and approved by your compliance officer\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"2593\" data-end=\"2684\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"2595\" data-end=\"2684\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2595\" data-end=\"2623\"\u003eMagnet Upgrade (30 mil):\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003eBuilt to survive winters in Boston and audits from the IRS\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003c\/ul\u003e \u003chr data-start=\"2686\" data-end=\"2689\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003ch2 data-start=\"2691\" data-end=\"2734\" class=\"\"\u003e💼 Capitalist Humor With Practical ROI\u003c\/h2\u003e \u003cul data-start=\"2736\" data-end=\"3187\"\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"2736\" data-end=\"2830\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"2738\" data-end=\"2830\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2738\" data-end=\"2781\"\u003eTurn your back bumper into a boardroom.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"2781\" data-end=\"2784\"\u003eEvery tailgater is now a potential investor.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"2832\" data-end=\"2962\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"2834\" data-end=\"2962\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2834\" data-end=\"2880\"\u003eOwn the road like you own 0.003% of Tesla.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"2880\" data-end=\"2883\"\u003eLet people know you’re doing 87 in a 60 for\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2927\" data-end=\"2948\"\u003eshareholder value\u003c\/strong\u003e, not clout.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"2964\" data-end=\"3101\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"2966\" data-end=\"3101\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2966\" data-end=\"3030\"\u003eGive the finger to workplace burnout with speed and sarcasm.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"3030\" data-end=\"3033\"\u003eIt’s not dangerous—it’s quarterly-driven decision-making at scale.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"3103\" data-end=\"3187\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3105\" data-end=\"3187\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"3105\" data-end=\"3133\"\u003eSupport a small business\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003ewhile mocking big business. The irony is delicious.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003c\/ul\u003e \u003chr data-start=\"3189\" data-end=\"3192\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003ch2 data-start=\"3194\" data-end=\"3260\" class=\"\"\u003e🧲 Magnet vs. Sticker Breakdown – Choose Your Market Strategy\u003c\/h2\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3262\" data-end=\"3276\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"3262\" data-end=\"3274\"\u003eSTICKER:\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cul data-start=\"3277\" data-end=\"3452\"\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"3277\" data-end=\"3303\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3279\" data-end=\"3303\" class=\"\"\u003eLong-term growth asset\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"3304\" data-end=\"3387\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3306\" data-end=\"3387\" class=\"\"\u003eApplies permanently to most surfaces (bumpers, coolers, laptops, bad decisions)\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"3388\" data-end=\"3452\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3390\" data-end=\"3452\" class=\"\"\u003eGreat for people who\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cem data-start=\"3411\" data-end=\"3417\"\u003eknow\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003ethey’re the CEO of the left lane\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003c\/ul\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3454\" data-end=\"3476\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"3454\" data-end=\"3474\"\u003eMAGNET (20 MIL):\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cul data-start=\"3477\" data-end=\"3623\"\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"3477\" data-end=\"3499\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3479\" data-end=\"3499\" class=\"\"\u003eFlexible portfolio\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"3500\" data-end=\"3566\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3502\" data-end=\"3566\" class=\"\"\u003eMoves between vehicles, breakroom fridges, and filing cabinets\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"3567\" data-end=\"3623\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3569\" data-end=\"3623\" class=\"\"\u003eReusable, unlike your faith in late-stage capitalism\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003c\/ul\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3625\" data-end=\"3647\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"3625\" data-end=\"3645\"\u003eMAGNET (30 MIL):\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cul data-start=\"3648\" data-end=\"3822\"\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"3648\" data-end=\"3673\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3650\" data-end=\"3673\" class=\"\"\u003eCold-proof investment\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"3674\" data-end=\"3780\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3676\" data-end=\"3780\" class=\"\"\u003eFor drivers in frostbitten hellholes like Chicago, Minneapolis, or the Salesforce tower parking garage\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"3781\" data-end=\"3822\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3783\" data-end=\"3822\" class=\"\"\u003eWon’t curl like your company’s morale\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003c\/ul\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"3824\" data-end=\"4001\" class=\"\"\u003eReminder: most modern bumpers are plastic. Magnets will stick better on trunks, doors, and side panels. Always test before slapping. Or don't. You're a risk-tolerant operator.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003chr data-start=\"4003\" data-end=\"4006\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003ch2 data-start=\"4008\" data-end=\"4063\" class=\"\"\u003e📉 Not For the Faint of Heart (or the Risk-Averse)\u003c\/h2\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4065\" data-end=\"4297\" class=\"\"\u003eIf you’ve ever daydreamed about quarterly earnings reports while changing lanes without signaling, this one’s for you.\u003cbr data-start=\"4183\" data-end=\"4186\"\u003eIf you’ve ever said “circle back” and meant it, congratulations—you’re the problem, and this is your sticker.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4299\" data-end=\"4393\" class=\"\"\u003eYour car doesn’t need motivational quotes. It needs unhinged market efficiency declarations.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4395\" data-end=\"4492\" class=\"\"\u003eThis is\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"4403\" data-end=\"4424\"\u003eshareholder value\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003ein decal form. And it’s 100% deductible (don’t quote us on that).\u003c\/p\u003e \u003chr data-start=\"4494\" data-end=\"4497\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003ch2 data-start=\"4499\" data-end=\"4560\" class=\"\"\u003e🧽 Installation Tips for the Work-Hard-Speed-Harder Type\u003c\/h2\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4562\" data-end=\"4576\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"4562\" data-end=\"4574\"\u003eSticker:\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e \u003col data-start=\"4577\" data-end=\"4771\"\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"4577\" data-end=\"4613\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4580\" data-end=\"4613\" class=\"\"\u003eClean surface. (Yes, actually.)\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"4614\" data-end=\"4668\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4617\" data-end=\"4668\" class=\"\"\u003ePeel the backing like you're removing regulation.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"4669\" data-end=\"4711\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4672\" data-end=\"4711\" class=\"\"\u003eApply firmly like a micromanaging VP.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"4712\" data-end=\"4771\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4715\" data-end=\"4771\" class=\"\"\u003eAvoid cold temps unless you're cool with sad peel-ups.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003c\/ol\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4773\" data-end=\"4786\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"4773\" data-end=\"4784\"\u003eMagnet:\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e \u003col data-start=\"4787\" data-end=\"5044\"\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"4787\" data-end=\"4830\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4790\" data-end=\"4830\" class=\"\"\u003eStick to a clean, flat, metal surface.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"4831\" data-end=\"4906\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4834\" data-end=\"4906\" class=\"\"\u003eAvoid applying to dirty or curved panels (like your boss’s reasoning).\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"4907\" data-end=\"4977\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4910\" data-end=\"4977\" class=\"\"\u003eFor longevity, remove and wipe behind the magnet every few weeks.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003cli data-start=\"4978\" data-end=\"5044\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"4981\" data-end=\"5044\" class=\"\"\u003eBubbles? Let the sun smooth it out like a well-oiled PR spin.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003c\/li\u003e \u003c\/ol\u003e \u003chr data-start=\"5046\" data-end=\"5049\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003ch2 data-start=\"5051\" data-end=\"5090\" class=\"\"\u003e💬 FAQ – Speedy Capitalism Edition\u003c\/h2\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"5092\" data-end=\"5232\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"5092\" data-end=\"5135\"\u003eQ: Is this bumper sticker weatherproof?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"5135\" data-end=\"5138\"\u003eA: It’s more weatherproof than your 401(k) is recession-proof. Rain, sun, car wash—it holds.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"5234\" data-end=\"5370\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"5234\" data-end=\"5274\"\u003eQ: Will the magnet stick to any car?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"5274\" data-end=\"5277\"\u003eA: Only if your car has metal parts. Check your trunk, side doors, or anything not plastic.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"5372\" data-end=\"5498\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"5372\" data-end=\"5406\"\u003eQ: Is this made by a megacorp?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"5406\" data-end=\"5409\"\u003eA: Nope. It’s made by a tiny sticker biz that’s 100% privately held and publicly weird.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"5500\" data-end=\"5619\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"5500\" data-end=\"5546\"\u003eQ: Does this sticker come in other colors?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"5546\" data-end=\"5549\"\u003eA: No. We did market research. This is the color of speed and power.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"5621\" data-end=\"5695\" class=\"\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"5621\" data-end=\"5647\"\u003eQ: Can I expense this?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"5647\" data-end=\"5650\"\u003eA: If your CFO has a sense of humor, maybe.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003chr data-start=\"5697\" data-end=\"5700\" class=\"\"\u003e \u003ch2 data-start=\"5702\" data-end=\"5754\" class=\"\"\u003e🧾 Final Earnings Call: Buy It or Be Downgraded\u003c\/h2\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"5756\" data-end=\"5918\" class=\"\"\u003eThis is not a decoration. It’s a declaration.\u003cbr data-start=\"5801\" data-end=\"5804\"\u003eIt’s not reckless—it’s\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"5827\" data-end=\"5848\"\u003eshareholder value\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003ein motion.\u003cbr data-start=\"5859\" data-end=\"5862\"\u003eIt’s not road rage—it’s\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cem data-start=\"5886\" data-end=\"5916\"\u003eperformance-based logistics.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"5920\" data-end=\"6019\" class=\"\"\u003eSo yeah, maybe you’re driving 90 in a 65. But guess what? That’s a revenue acceleration strategy.\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"6021\" data-end=\"6182\" class=\"\"\u003eYour spreadsheet brain deserves a statement piece.\u003cbr data-start=\"6071\" data-end=\"6074\"\u003eYour capitalist heart deserves a sticker that says,\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"6126\" data-end=\"6180\"\u003e“I know what EBITDA is, and I still choose chaos.”\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp data-start=\"6184\" data-end=\"6288\" class=\"\"\u003eBuy it. Slap it. Maximize it.\u003cbr data-start=\"6213\" data-end=\"6216\"\u003eYou’re not driving fast.\u003cbr data-start=\"6240\" data-end=\"6243\"\u003eYou’re just\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"6255\" data-end=\"6288\"\u003emaximizing shareholder value.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\u003ca title=\"\" href=\"https:\/\/www.frogmustardstickers.com\/collections\/all\" target=\"_self\"\u003eShop All\u003c\/a\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e \u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\u003ca title=\"\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/frogmustardstickers\" target=\"_self\"\u003eFollow us on Instagram\u003c\/a\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Shut Up and Take my MONEY","offers":[{"title":"Bumper Sticker","offer_id":43116410568778,"sku":null,"price":10.5,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Bumper Magnet","offer_id":43116410601546,"sku":null,"price":14.5,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0269\/1301\/3834\/files\/il_fullxfull.6876911932_r0vt.webp?v=1764403571","url":"https:\/\/tirecockz.com\/products\/if-im-not-speeding-then-im-not-maximizing-shareholder-value","provider":"TireCockz","version":"1.0","type":"link"}